My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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