im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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