She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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