Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Threesome in a minivan. New low
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
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