I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
it's great music for shaving your balls
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
