I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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