I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
