He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
