My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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