Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
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