You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
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