Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
