yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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