Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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