His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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