our cab driver is having phone sex.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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