My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
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