i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
