You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
two words...techno handjob
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
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