i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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