I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
