brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Randomize
