My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
