I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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