Fine. I'll sleep in my office
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
