I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
