i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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