He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
