i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
