I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
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