how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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