No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
