True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I deserve this hangover.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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