the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
