I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
