Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Randomize
