When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
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