Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
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