I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
