He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
