he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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