I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Randomize
