man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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