I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
