the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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