I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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