I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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