JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Randomize
