dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
