Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
