There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
