i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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