fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
